The Years of my Decline

It comes gradually until it begins to come more suddenly.  One day you can walk and the next your knees, your back, your hands all hurt at the same time and you feel rather useless.   That is what is now happening to me.  No one wants to hear it, it scares them I guess.  Your kids think you shall live forever, sometimes they are even glad about that.  Other times you wonder.  lol    

I have five children, they are scattered "to the wind."   Times change, people change, mid life crisis happens, we change, we evolve, we often forget what is really important.  I miss my family, I miss my life with my family.   Everything is so different now,  I do not hear from them as much as I would like, but then I do not make phone calls.  It is only texting, and I do not think I am at the top of their texting list.  It is my own fault.   I tried to raise my children to be independent, and they are.  So much so I think they often forget they have a Mother.  My last birthday Scott did the most wonderful thing, he got his brothers all together, here in Georgia, for my Birthday.  Everyone was here except my daughter.   It was a wonderful day and I am so glad it happened.  It shall have to carry me through hard times now.......

What an older person has to get used to is loss.   And how does one do that?  I lost my husband, and I don't think I shall ever "get over that"  as my cousin likes to reminds me, I should be by over it my now.   Not long after that, I lost Mr. Purdy.  He was our sweet, very much loved kitty.  Pets are important to our lives.  Without them a person feels something is missing, and it is.   I lost my Mom too,  I suppose my chronological memory is slipping,  she passed away before Tom,  but it is ever with me also.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday.  There is a feeling you have when your parents die,  you are losing your past.  They are the people who love you unconditionally, the ones you can talk to about nothing for hours.  I miss my Mom and always will,  we had so much that needed to be said and never was..... Like, I love you.   Then Bitzy boy died, my heart kitty,  I had him since a kitten, he was a very sick kitten and I kept him in my bra next to my breasts for warmth he was so tiny then.  He lived and grew to be the biggest of the bunch, the only male out of six kittens.   He died so suddenly from a heart condition.  I knew something was wrong, he had that same nagging cough that took Tom, I wonder if cats get CHF too?  And then most recently Pat dies.   She has been my neighbor and my only close friend here in Georgia,  I am an introvert, which means I do not need to see someone every day, but I need to know they are there so I CAN see them.  The loss of her dying weighs very heavily on me.  I too will be at that age in a few years.  Will Nick take care of me like Jim took care of Pat,  I sure hope so.  Or life is going to be very difficult for me.  Scott says I can come and  be there with him, but I am independent, not like his Dad who lived with him until he passed away.  And I am a woman, we need OUR OWN HOMES.   Very hard for a woman to lose her home.  I do not think I am a very adaptable person.  

I look at my future and not very fond of what I see.    

Friday

I don't think Fridays have quite the same significance when you aren't working and your kids aren't in school. It is just another day, but it is at least a day when the bank if open a bit later. I got a birthday present from my Mom, and have yet to get it to the bank. She likes me to deposit my check right away. Not exactly sure why, but she does, so I try to oblige. She also called me on my birthday. This might not seem unusual or odd, but it is for the mere fact that she has not initiated a phone call in about 15 years. I am always the one who calls her. So I was very surprised when it was my Mom on the phone. She wanted to know how I have been, but I am very reluctant to go into my medical problems to a woman who has been suffering from one type of cancer or the other for the last 30 years without complaining. So I just tell her, "I am fine." And she lets it go at that and so do I. My Mom is now something like 92 or 93, and I realize that she will not be around for very many more years. My relationship with my Mom has been maddening, aggravating, down right sad at times. But she is my Mom and I love her. Although we don't usually express that in words. I suppose it might be a bit impossible for you to believe that in my whole life I do not remember my Mother every hugging me or telling me that she loves me. It isn't that she doesn't, I know that she does, the problem in my family is the ability to actually show affection. For some reason it was always looked down on, I remember my Grandma, and I loved her dearly, I was not able to give her a hug or a kiss. If you tried she would stiffen up like a board and get totally embarrassed. People who married into this family of ours have successfully succeeded in changing their individual spouses through patience and understanding and never giving up. I remember Aunt Judy and Uncle Dave, they were very affectionate. But I remember Aunt Judy telling me that the first time she hugged and kissed Uncle Dave he told her it was the first hug he had ever had. Same with Aunt Betty and Uncle By, they also grew affectionate over time. But in my Mom's case it didn't quite work so well. Mostly because Grandma lived with her and was always there giving her the eagle eye and tsk tsk tsking if she saw even the tiniest bit of overt affection being shown. Mom told me late in her life, imagine trying to be a newly married person with Grandma there giving you those looks if you so much as held hands.

I grew up in this household of cold and undemonstrative people. I played with my teddy bear, dressed it and pretended it was a baby, and gave it all kinds of hugs. And made up my mind I was going to marry early, have lots of kids and give them tons of hugs and kisses. And I did. But roots run deep, and the way we are raised overshadows every aspect of your life. I have had my moments with certain people when I could easily show affection. But only a few certain ones, and I often analyze what it was about them that made it easy for me to be a caring, affectionate person. Babies are easy, the full grown humans, well that is a different story. I think one of the aspects for giving love and affection is trust. You have to be able to trust that person to not shatter a giving heart. Think about it, who do you trust enough to be a totally open person, and what if you give and all they do is take? Everything in life must have balance and love is a two way street isn't it.

In Mom's family since they can't express love in so many words, they do it with food. I have no idea what my Mom is going to do now that I can't eat any of the goodies that she fixes. Well maybe that is why I got a phone call after so many years.....I know how difficult that phone call was for her to make. You would have to know my Mom to understand.