The Years of my Decline

It comes gradually until it begins to come more suddenly.  One day you can walk and the next your knees, your back, your hands all hurt at the same time and you feel rather useless.   That is what is now happening to me.  No one wants to hear it, it scares them I guess.  Your kids think you shall live forever, sometimes they are even glad about that.  Other times you wonder.  lol    

I have five children, they are scattered "to the wind."   Times change, people change, mid life crisis happens, we change, we evolve, we often forget what is really important.  I miss my family, I miss my life with my family.   Everything is so different now,  I do not hear from them as much as I would like, but then I do not make phone calls.  It is only texting, and I do not think I am at the top of their texting list.  It is my own fault.   I tried to raise my children to be independent, and they are.  So much so I think they often forget they have a Mother.  My last birthday Scott did the most wonderful thing, he got his brothers all together, here in Georgia, for my Birthday.  Everyone was here except my daughter.   It was a wonderful day and I am so glad it happened.  It shall have to carry me through hard times now.......

What an older person has to get used to is loss.   And how does one do that?  I lost my husband, and I don't think I shall ever "get over that"  as my cousin likes to reminds me, I should be by over it my now.   Not long after that, I lost Mr. Purdy.  He was our sweet, very much loved kitty.  Pets are important to our lives.  Without them a person feels something is missing, and it is.   I lost my Mom too,  I suppose my chronological memory is slipping,  she passed away before Tom,  but it is ever with me also.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday.  There is a feeling you have when your parents die,  you are losing your past.  They are the people who love you unconditionally, the ones you can talk to about nothing for hours.  I miss my Mom and always will,  we had so much that needed to be said and never was..... Like, I love you.   Then Bitzy boy died, my heart kitty,  I had him since a kitten, he was a very sick kitten and I kept him in my bra next to my breasts for warmth he was so tiny then.  He lived and grew to be the biggest of the bunch, the only male out of six kittens.   He died so suddenly from a heart condition.  I knew something was wrong, he had that same nagging cough that took Tom, I wonder if cats get CHF too?  And then most recently Pat dies.   She has been my neighbor and my only close friend here in Georgia,  I am an introvert, which means I do not need to see someone every day, but I need to know they are there so I CAN see them.  The loss of her dying weighs very heavily on me.  I too will be at that age in a few years.  Will Nick take care of me like Jim took care of Pat,  I sure hope so.  Or life is going to be very difficult for me.  Scott says I can come and  be there with him, but I am independent, not like his Dad who lived with him until he passed away.  And I am a woman, we need OUR OWN HOMES.   Very hard for a woman to lose her home.  I do not think I am a very adaptable person.  

I look at my future and not very fond of what I see.    

Thoughts

I went to look through some of the blogs that I used to visit on a regular basis, years ago.  Many are gone,   some have been taken over by spam,  most are obsolete.   Blogging used to be such a big part of my day.   Not sure where I found the time,  I guess it was during the years when I wasn't feeling well enough to do much around the house.   It is now 2014.   I think back to some of the friends that I made while blogging......a few I still see over on facebook.  Unfortunately a few are such liberals and I am a conservative so our political differences made it hard to stay friends.  Liberal always have to try and make everyone see things the way they do......and get darn right mad if you don't.

My kids are grown now and I am getting old.   The things I once found quite interesting no longer really matter to me or draw my attention.   One being, making new friends,   just not all that interested in making new friends anymore.   All I do now is garden and take care of my kitty cats.  

I have recently been thinking a lot about returning to California,   I miss my kids and my former life, living in the South hasn't really turned out the way I had planned when I moved out here 15 years ago.  The kids have done well,  Ana made it through college,  Nick graduated from high school but now it might be time to return "home."

Ana and Nick when we moved to the south.

Nick's Graduation

He made it,  Nick graduated from High School May 2013.

Nick's New Clothes

The kids returned home from shopping just as I was leaving. So I stopped and came back inside to see what Nick bought. He got a lot of T's, in shades of black and white. He got new shoes (also black) socks (white) and pants( blue.) He is going to be rather monochromatic this year I guess. He usually gets some orange, red and green. Nick likes color. I see a bit of his sister's influence in his choice of new clothing. But I guess that is to be expected. She considers herself to be a fashion Diva. She began working in a teen clothing store when she was sixteen. She will be nineteen her next birthday, so she has been working for almost three years now. And all at the same store. The woman that she works for is so dependent on Ana for buying and advertising, I don't know what she would do without Ana.

Ana does seem to have her finger on the pulse of what the young girls want to wear. She comes home from work beaming because her clothing choices are selling so well. However, I am not so sure that she fully appreciates the "pulse" in fashion selection for a 13 year old boy.

Well I guess the trip was labeled a success. That job done for another year. Yeh!!

Nick Turns 13

On this date, 13 years ago, Nick was born. I was in my 40's and knew it would be my last baby, so I spoiled him rotten. I don't think I sat him down to walk for himself until he was about three. Needless to say, we are very close. He is now a teenager and many changes will happen over the next few years. One of which, he will detach from his Mom, cut the apron strings, so to speak. It is the way of nature, it is the order of things. But never-the-less it will be hard on me. He was always eager to please, always there with a hug and a kiss, and always kind and generous. Hopefully those things will continue on, but as we all know, the teen years are the ones where the focus shifts from family to self. It is inevitable, if it didn't happen, a child would soon be lost in the world of other teens who have carved out their place, fulfilling their ego and their self esteem. I doubt if a teenager would survive in school, in this day and age, if they did not become a bit self centered. It goes back to the root of the adage, "If you don't take care of yourself, who is going to?" I will enjoy the man he will become, but I will always miss that "little boy."

Open House

Tonight was open house at Nick's new school. He moved from Woodland Middle School over to Bartow Academy. He likes it there and he says all of the teacers are nice. I went and met them tonight, and I agree they are all very nice. It was a good change for him. It is only for the end of this year but it has already made a big difference in his attitude towards going to school. Sometimes change is a good thing.

Christmas Picture of the Kids

This year is Ana's High School graduation and she had a professional sitting for her Graduation picture, and I have to select them from proofs, which I haven't done as yet. They do not have to be bought until May. And Nick, well he didn't care for his school picture so the little devil just didn't bother to bring his picture envelope home. So I didn't even know when his pictures were taken. They have a new way of doing it here, they take each child's picture, which they then can see on their envelope, and you can decide if you want to buy them. Well he didn't like his picture so he made my decision for me. His hair was a bit long, which was his decision, I had been trying to cut it for a month and he kept dodging me. So when they finally took his picture his hair was too long for his taste.

Well I am in the process of sending out Christmas cards and I usually include a picture of the kids. This year I didn't have one, so I took my own. I made them put on something red and I sat them in front of the tree and I snapped pictures until I thought they were going to hit me. haha. Anyway I finally got a couple that I thought looked fine. Ana was so tired most of hers made her look like she needed sleep, and I couldn't get Nick to smile. KIDS!!