The Years of my Decline

It comes gradually until it begins to come more suddenly.  One day you can walk and the next your knees, your back, your hands all hurt at the same time and you feel rather useless.   That is what is now happening to me.  No one wants to hear it, it scares them I guess.  Your kids think you shall live forever, sometimes they are even glad about that.  Other times you wonder.  lol    

I have five children, they are scattered "to the wind."   Times change, people change, mid life crisis happens, we change, we evolve, we often forget what is really important.  I miss my family, I miss my life with my family.   Everything is so different now,  I do not hear from them as much as I would like, but then I do not make phone calls.  It is only texting, and I do not think I am at the top of their texting list.  It is my own fault.   I tried to raise my children to be independent, and they are.  So much so I think they often forget they have a Mother.  My last birthday Scott did the most wonderful thing, he got his brothers all together, here in Georgia, for my Birthday.  Everyone was here except my daughter.   It was a wonderful day and I am so glad it happened.  It shall have to carry me through hard times now.......

What an older person has to get used to is loss.   And how does one do that?  I lost my husband, and I don't think I shall ever "get over that"  as my cousin likes to reminds me, I should be by over it my now.   Not long after that, I lost Mr. Purdy.  He was our sweet, very much loved kitty.  Pets are important to our lives.  Without them a person feels something is missing, and it is.   I lost my Mom too,  I suppose my chronological memory is slipping,  she passed away before Tom,  but it is ever with me also.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday.  There is a feeling you have when your parents die,  you are losing your past.  They are the people who love you unconditionally, the ones you can talk to about nothing for hours.  I miss my Mom and always will,  we had so much that needed to be said and never was..... Like, I love you.   Then Bitzy boy died, my heart kitty,  I had him since a kitten, he was a very sick kitten and I kept him in my bra next to my breasts for warmth he was so tiny then.  He lived and grew to be the biggest of the bunch, the only male out of six kittens.   He died so suddenly from a heart condition.  I knew something was wrong, he had that same nagging cough that took Tom, I wonder if cats get CHF too?  And then most recently Pat dies.   She has been my neighbor and my only close friend here in Georgia,  I am an introvert, which means I do not need to see someone every day, but I need to know they are there so I CAN see them.  The loss of her dying weighs very heavily on me.  I too will be at that age in a few years.  Will Nick take care of me like Jim took care of Pat,  I sure hope so.  Or life is going to be very difficult for me.  Scott says I can come and  be there with him, but I am independent, not like his Dad who lived with him until he passed away.  And I am a woman, we need OUR OWN HOMES.   Very hard for a woman to lose her home.  I do not think I am a very adaptable person.  

I look at my future and not very fond of what I see.    

Feeling Really Blah

I am trying to stay positive, upbeat, happy,..............yeh right. But I am failing miserably. Maybe it is just my personality or maybe it is the fact that I am depressed. Something that I really didn't feel that often in my life, no matter how bad things got, I could always think of something to feel good about. I suppose everyone has something that can make them unhappy, if they let themself think about it to much.

I hurt and am nauseous this morning, and I suppose that isn't helping much. I can't take pain killers, because they tear up my stomach, which is always on the verge of being torn up. I think back to my youth and the things that I used to eat.......well, no more. I can't eat hot foods, or spicy foods, or to much salt, and definitely not anything really good and dessert like. I did manage to make a rhubarb crisp with some of my substitute flours. (And it turned out really good.) I have a mixture of grains that I can eat. It doesn't taste much like wheat, so if you are looking for a exact match to flavors you are used to, forget it. I tried two different times to make homemade bread, and they both ended up in the garbage. It reminds me of my grandma, and her meat substitutes. They might have been edible, but they no way resembled MEAT. She just got used to them. Ana is like her, she is a vegetarian. Now, I love my veggies, but I need my meat. After a week or so of eating just veggies, I need a burger or a steak.

I am supposed to take my neighbor out this morning to the local vegetable garden that sells veggies. But I am really not feeling much like going anywhere. She understands, and if we don't go, she won't be upset. She knows I have to take one day at a time.