The Years of my Decline

It comes gradually until it begins to come more suddenly.  One day you can walk and the next your knees, your back, your hands all hurt at the same time and you feel rather useless.   That is what is now happening to me.  No one wants to hear it, it scares them I guess.  Your kids think you shall live forever, sometimes they are even glad about that.  Other times you wonder.  lol    

I have five children, they are scattered "to the wind."   Times change, people change, mid life crisis happens, we change, we evolve, we often forget what is really important.  I miss my family, I miss my life with my family.   Everything is so different now,  I do not hear from them as much as I would like, but then I do not make phone calls.  It is only texting, and I do not think I am at the top of their texting list.  It is my own fault.   I tried to raise my children to be independent, and they are.  So much so I think they often forget they have a Mother.  My last birthday Scott did the most wonderful thing, he got his brothers all together, here in Georgia, for my Birthday.  Everyone was here except my daughter.   It was a wonderful day and I am so glad it happened.  It shall have to carry me through hard times now.......

What an older person has to get used to is loss.   And how does one do that?  I lost my husband, and I don't think I shall ever "get over that"  as my cousin likes to reminds me, I should be by over it my now.   Not long after that, I lost Mr. Purdy.  He was our sweet, very much loved kitty.  Pets are important to our lives.  Without them a person feels something is missing, and it is.   I lost my Mom too,  I suppose my chronological memory is slipping,  she passed away before Tom,  but it is ever with me also.  Sometimes it feels like yesterday.  There is a feeling you have when your parents die,  you are losing your past.  They are the people who love you unconditionally, the ones you can talk to about nothing for hours.  I miss my Mom and always will,  we had so much that needed to be said and never was..... Like, I love you.   Then Bitzy boy died, my heart kitty,  I had him since a kitten, he was a very sick kitten and I kept him in my bra next to my breasts for warmth he was so tiny then.  He lived and grew to be the biggest of the bunch, the only male out of six kittens.   He died so suddenly from a heart condition.  I knew something was wrong, he had that same nagging cough that took Tom, I wonder if cats get CHF too?  And then most recently Pat dies.   She has been my neighbor and my only close friend here in Georgia,  I am an introvert, which means I do not need to see someone every day, but I need to know they are there so I CAN see them.  The loss of her dying weighs very heavily on me.  I too will be at that age in a few years.  Will Nick take care of me like Jim took care of Pat,  I sure hope so.  Or life is going to be very difficult for me.  Scott says I can come and  be there with him, but I am independent, not like his Dad who lived with him until he passed away.  And I am a woman, we need OUR OWN HOMES.   Very hard for a woman to lose her home.  I do not think I am a very adaptable person.  

I look at my future and not very fond of what I see.    

Christmas Over Again

I made it through Christmas.   I no longer really care for Christmas now that Tom is gone,  I think he was my motivation, he really liked Christmas and he was a kid when it came to presents.  Our anniversary is on the 23rd so that also makes it a hard month for me.   I did put up a few ornaments and a tree but I didn't decorate the porch like we used to.  But that was mainly because of my bad hip, getting up and down a ladder didn't seem like it would be much fun this year.  I still have the tree up but all of the ornaments are off, just has lights now.  But that is what I like most, the lights.  I will get it all down in a few days, I am still enjoying my lights.  I am very depressed and I think taking the tree down will make me worse. 

October

I no longer like the month of October.  This was the month that Tom passed away and each day now until the day he died reminds me over and over.   Each day now until the 26th were days filled with watching him slowly get weaker and weaker.   Last night I sat and looked at pictures through the years of he and I, of he and the kids,  but none of all of us together.  I regret that so much.  I wish we had had a picture taken of all four of us together. 

I miss him so much, when I look at the pictures I can hear his voice and when I see him smile I hear his laugh.  We used to talk about his being on borrowed time and I used to wonder what would my life be like without him....well now I know, it is lonely and sad.   I miss you Tom so much and wonder if the ache will ever go away.....

The holiday are approaching and I just cannot work up any enthusiasm....

New Year's Day

Everyone wishing everyone else a Happy New Year,    I sit here and think, Happy......hardly think so, I haven't been happy since Tom got so sick.  And not sure when and if I will ever be happy again.  He was the joy and humor in this family and I miss him so much.   Miss that laugh and smile.....I have been going through pictures going to get some up on the walls, I need to feel his presence.....I miss him so much.

Tom Zimitravich 1940- 2017

My husband passed away on Thursday the 26th of October at 10:38.  My son Nick and I were by his side.  He died here at home under our care.  The last week we had Hospice come to the house, but the did not do much of his actual care, more just moral support.  He fought a good fight, but it was one he could not win.  Yet we got a few more years than the Dr.'s anticipated at the time he had his open heart surgery in 1999.  I will always miss his laughter and smiling face.  He was a happy man and always found humor in everything he did.   He never had a harsh word for anyone and he was a generous and kind man,  I loved him very much.   All he asked for when he was dying was a fine journey and a safe landing,  I sure do hope that he was able to accomplish that.   I miss you so much honey....and I always will.