Another Year

Eagle Lake, near the town where I was born.

Another birthday has come and gone.....and yes, I do feel older, so much older. Maybe not any wiser, but certainly older. Lately I have been anxious, I guess I am deep down worried about my Mother. She is 93 now, and the last time I was home, just last month, I really noticed how much older she seemed to me. It had been almost two years since I had been home. I know, outrageous. I am planning to go back soon, in October I think.

My Mother has always been there, through hard times and good times, not really in my life as with some parents, but on the fringe of my life. Mom is much like me, she doesn't butt in unless asked, otherwise she just stays in the background. She doesn't meddle in her children's lives. I have five kids, and if I don't call them, I seldom hear from them. Same with my Mom, if I don't call her, I would never hear from her. It isn't that she doesn't love me, she just isn't a person who talks on the phone, she can't hear all that well, and she hates those long embarrassing silences that are inevitable when you are trying to make out what someone just said.

I have asked Mom to move in with us no less than four times, but each time I do, she basically says, NO. Not until I can no longer do anything for myself."As long as I am able to get around I am staying in my own house." But no one is there with her, she could fall and lay on the floor and die and no one would know. My brother only goes up there about once a week, and well as I already said, you can see how often I get out there. I made myself a promise that I will at least call her once a week. I should call more often than that, but I know she would say, "why are you calling me so often, there is nothing new to talk about." That is just the way that my Mom is, and I know this, so I don't call.

But tonight I was lying in bed and thinking, I won't have my Mom around for much longer, and when she passes with her will go so much of who I am. Because my Mother and I are so very much alike. And as I grow older I become more and more like my Mother. My whole life, I retreated from that idea, but it grows clearer to me every year that I am becoming my Mother.

So I can understand it when she says, "I won't let anyone take care of me until I just can't do it for myself." I think her exact words were, "as long as I can drag myself across the floor, I will stay in my own home." And she pretty much means it.

I have been away from blogging for long enough I would think that no one comes here much anymore, and for that I am almost glad. I know the only people who will read my blog will be those who were truly friends, no one would come back after this amount of time.

I closed my blog down for viewing because David and his girlfriend were coming here and stealing my pictures, just to make fun of me. Why they don't move on is beyond me, but I guess he was trying to make her jealous or something by telling her of the past, then he made contact with me, and got me all involved......in my own way, I suppose I will always love him, but there is no going back. And I don't think that was his intent anyway, I think he just wanted to stir up trouble. And he did. But I am beyond caring anymore, so if he comes and steals pictures, well.......it won't be the only thing he stole from me. Once a thief always a thief I suppose.

I need to try and get some sleep, but since it is 5:48 in the morning, I suppose that isn't going to happen now, because I have to get Nick up and ready for school very soon.

Night nite...